Questions worth asking #1
Reawakening meaning and motivation in this time between worlds
photo by Logan Voss
In the conversations that fill up my life, with friends, family, clients, and collaborators, as well as conversations I overhear, I notice a recurring theme:
How do I find the meaning and motivation I need to build a life I can fall in love with?
This is perhaps the oldest question there is, one that has been addressed by spiritual traditions, mythology, psychology, sociology and myriad other fields of study. Yet it seems that this question has gotten louder in the last two centuries and the arc of this crescendo has been steadily accelerating in recent decades.
Following culturally prescribed patterns for “success” or a “good life” has become dubious at best. Yet there is little blueprint for how to reimagine ourselves.
For those who would seek to ignore this vital inquiry, there are, of course, a growing number of methods available for distraction and making one’s self numb. But even for those who embrace the path of entertaining themselves to death, the veil seems to be getting increasingly thin.
With society so atomized, the feeling of home is getting harder and harder to find.
Especially when one’s literal home of origin no longer feels welcome, rediscovering this feeling depends on many factors that are very particular to each person. Yet this kind of ground can’t be found merely by pursuing a series of personal preferences.
We find meaning together with others in relationships that are capable of holding space for our authenticity. Otherwise connection feels performative and superficial, ultimately making us feel even more isolated.
What we seek lives in between ourselves and others.
We will not find what we seek merely by acting on our desires. We also must discover how our desires intersect (or clash) with the desires of others, and cultivate the willingness and courage to reimagine ourselves through these encounters.
If life feels like “too much;” if you feel exhausted or depressed, disoriented or stuck in the momentum of routines, obviously something needs to change. It could be that the needed change is quite dramatic. Nonetheless, it alway begins with one simple thing:
A shift of your attention.
When you ask a new question, your attention is reorganized. By asking a potent question and giving it time and space - that is, not hurrying to find an answer - you can open up a space of inquiry where meaning begins to flow again.
In this and future postings, I will be providing questions designed to invite this reorganization of attention. You can sit with these questions as meditative contemplations or explore them in your journal.
An especially powerful way to engage these inquiries is to partner with another person who is dedicated to holding a space of presence with you.
If you would like me to hold that space for you, get in touch.
Below is your first practice question and some ideas about how to work with it.
Who am I?
Sit quietly and clear your mind as best as you can. Then ask yourself this question (silently or speaking aloud) and wait for an answer. The first answer you hear might be your own name. Whatever you hear, acknowledge it with a simple “thank you.”
Then, ask the question again. Now you might hear an answer based on one of the roles you play in the world, such as your job or being a parent. Maybe you will identify as a woman or a man. Maybe the answer that comes will name things you like or dislike or key events that shaped you. Each time, say “thank you,” then ask again.
The value of this inquiry shows itself once you run out of obvious answers. Keep going. You may hear things that surprise you. Don’t judge them. Simply feel what moves inside you as each response comes. Say “thank you,” and continue.
You may also find that more space opens up between the question and the answer. This is a good thing. Be attentive to what you feel in the silence. Relax as much as possible. Don’t strain by searching for the “right” answer (there is no such thing).
Notice which answers resonate with you - or disturb you. Be curious about unfamiliar sensations. Simply by feeling them you give yourself a valuable gift.
You may even reach a point where you can’t find any words to answer the question. This is a beautiful place to be. Maybe the answer isn’t made out of words.
You can do this practice for any length of time, but setting a timer for 10 or 15 minutes is a good place to begin. You can also repeat the practice as often as you wish.
Good luck with your practice.