Questions worth asking #2
Restoring peace to the inner temple
photo by Dingzeyu Li
This post is the second in a series that started here
When it seems like massive change is needed to shift from current circumstances to the life you want to live, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and stay paralyzed. Change will always involve doing something new and this is likely to be uncomfortable.
So a crucial question is:
How do I begin?
The first step is to shift your attention, since attention always precedes action.
But how you decide where to put your attention?
You put your attention on things you believe are worthy of your attention. So if you doubt you’re own worth, this will get in the way of giving yourself (your body, your inner voice, your relationships, your life circumstances) the attention you need.
This series is called ‘Questions worth asking’ - and the assertion throughout is that you are worthy of this attention, that deep inquiry about yourself is worthwhile. I’m writing this series to provide you with starting points.
From the previous post:
When you ask a new question, your attention is reorganized. By asking a potent question and giving it time and space - that is, not hurrying to find an answer - you can open up a space of inquiry where meaning begins to flow again.
In this and future postings, I will be providing questions designed to invite this reorganization of attention. You can sit with these questions as meditative contemplations or explore them in your journal.
An especially powerful way to engage these inquiries is to partner with another person who is dedicated to holding a space of presence with you.
Below is today’s practice question and some ideas for how to work with it.
What have I not forgiven myself for?
The answer to this question will be anything your critical inner voice attacks you for.
What reasons you give for the claim that you are “not good enough”?
What past actions do you think of as things you shouldn’t have done?
What things did you not do that you believe you should have done?
What names do you call yourself?
What names have others called you?
What comparisons do you make with others to your detriment?
What do you dislike about yourself?
What skills do you lack that you think you should possess?
In what ways do you believe you have failed?
What do you feel that you think you shouldn’t feel?
What thoughts or memories make you wince?
Whatever comes to mind is something you have not forgiven yourself for, something that makes you “guilty” - and by virtue of your guilt, less worthy of the kind of attention required to change your circumstances.
Anything you use to justify self-attack will be sourced from the past. Whatever arguments you make about what “should have” occurred and didn’t are a moot point. The past can’t be changed - it can only be carried around to bludgeon yourself with.
The starting place for forgiveness is a radical affirmation of your innocence. Yes, you may have made mistakes in your life, but you have always been doing your best.
Past actions you regret may have taken place when you were hurt, triggered, overwhelmed or simply unaware of the totality of your circumstances. Given those handicaps, you were still doing the best you could possibly have done at that time.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you might not reconsider your actions in the future, it simply means that you won’t allow past actions to define you forever. You are giving yourself permission to drop the idea that you are a sinner, an asshole, a coward, a klutz, a dunce, a bad friend, a loser, etc.
All of those labels (and many more) are ways of pronouncing your fate for all time. They are declarations that you cannot learn or change, that’s there’s no point in trying.
You simply must move beyond this way of relating to yourself in order to make positive changes in your life.
Forgiveness isn’t always easy and it may take time. But you can decide today that you are worthy of forgiveness. If you believe that there are patterns in yourself that don’t serve you or your loved ones, that recognition can be used for healing rather than continued self-condemnation.
Forgiveness asserts that you can renew yourself and you want to do so.
Here is a simple practice if you don’t know how to begin:
Sit quietly for a few minutes, connecting with your breathing and bodily sensations. Then say to yourself:
For all the ways I may have hurt myself or others,
with my words, thoughts or actions,
whether or not I knew it,
and regardless of my intentions,
I ask for my forgiveness.
Stay quietly in this space these words illuminate, simply feeling what is there to feel. Don’t try to do anything in particular, just observe what comes through.
If something feels painful and you find yourself wincing or contracting in any way, use your breath to invite release - even a partial release is incredibly valuable.
You can repeat the same phrases again as many times as you wish or just sit in the silence. Before finishing say the phrases again with a different last line:
For all the ways I may have hurt myself or others,
with my words, thoughts or actions,
whether or not I knew it,
and regardless of my intentions,
I offer myself forgiveness.
Afterwards, you might like to wash your face, drink some water, lie down briefly or take a walk outside - anything to refresh yourself before moving on with your day.
The practice outlined here is a beginning. You can do a similar practice that identifies specific items that need your forgiveness in order to be healed, but beginning with this more general practice is recommended.
Some items will feel more difficult than others. Partial release is always valuable even if full release isn’t possible. You can repeat the practice as often as you like.
If this practice feels too difficult to do on your own, having the support of someone who cares for you is essential.
If you would like my support, let’s talk.
Good luck with your practice