There is no such thing as individual well-being without collective well-being
How will fish survive the poisoned seas?
photo by Naja Bertolt Jensen
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how much the cards have come to be so stacked against our well-being. It takes a lot more than “just” dedicated practice to take care of ourselves these days.
For most of us, it probably requires a drastic shift in worldview, a willingness to radically challenge our assumptions and get more used to experimenting with new forms long before we have “proof” to justify ourselves.
Yet, what’s fundamentally wrong isn’t us - it’s the water we’re all swimming in now.
How will fish survive the poisoned seas?
I think this is the kind of question we have to ask ourselves now.
Because we are the fish.
I have come to the not-so-radical conclusion that
There is no such thing as individual well-being without collective well-being.
One thing I imagine the fish will have to do is stop squabbling. They will have to get more used to looking each other in the eye and saying:
We have to solve a problem unlike any kind of problem we’ve ever solved before.
Also, how are you doing?
At the moment, life in the ‘attention economy’ isn’t just toxic just because we are incessantly being interrupted by algorithmic attention mongers who don’t give a fuck about our wellbeing.
We also compete with each other for attention.
We jockey for the position of being the most overwhelmed one in the room, the one whose troubles most deserved to be listened to.
God knows, we could all benefit from more ears that listened to us.
But it’s not your turn to be listened to right now. It’s mine! And here’s my story…
This doesn’t work. We need to learn the power of one understanding nod. And how to give our friends the gift of our silence. We have to learn to speak to ourselves as we keep wishing others would speak to us.
No matter how we might loathe each other at times, our nervous systems aren’t separate. Your well-being is only as good as mine as soon as I walk into the room. This is a responsibility I have to learn to accept.
We all do.
4 steps we can start with…
Kindness
Kindness begins with attention. The simplest way to be unkind to someone is to ignore them, fail to acknowledge their presence.
It’s a kindness to nod to a stranger on the street, even if they don’t nod back.
Once our attention is online, something in the here and now can be observed.
I’m thirsty.
It could be anything.
This sitting position is uncomfortable.
She looks bored.
He seems confused.
It’s cold in here.
Now that we have some information relevant to someone’s well-being, we set an intention of kindness, which means, we want that which will bring more well-being.
It may be for ourselves, but it may be for anyone present.
Once we have determined something simple that might move this situation even 1% closer to well-being, we can take that generous action.
Adjust your posture.
Ask her opinion.
Offer to be of service.
Close the window.
It’s simple. We just have to adopt it as a way of life:
Pause. Pay Attention. Notice what’s relevant.
Set the intention of kindness.
Carry out a generous action.
This benefits all of us.
It doesn’t mean it’s our obligation to be kind to each person, but we can strive to be kind to each situation in which we find ourselves.
When we are kind to ourselves, learning becomes possible. There is no learning without mistakes. Therefore learning also requires forgiveness. Crucifying ourselves for each error gets us nowhere.
This is also a collective project. Because we all make mistakes.
We all learn from them. Or pay for them.
- - -
Connection
Connection is simply the opposite of disconnection.
It requires turning towards what is happening now, no matter how ugly it is.
At least turning more in that direction if that’s the best we can do right now.
In any case, we can notice when we want to turn away and set a new intention.
Because no matter how understandable turning away may be, when we do so, we can’t see what’s actually happening.
With us, with the other person, with this situation.
Just like with a painting in a museum, the longer you hold your gaze, the more that it slowly reveals itself to you. The more we attend to the person in front of us, the more we see who they are, the more we see who we are when we face them.
There is a potential infinity to the layers of connection we can cultivate. But they all begin with this basic movement of turning towards, not away.
And staying here.
The more we practice it, the more the act of turning towards will lead us to recognize when well-being is present and when it’s slipping away.
For example, we may notice
kindness vs. unkindness
presence vs. autopilot
curiosity vs. boredom
habit vs. play
ground vs. anxiety
power vs. weakness
creativity vs. conformity
appreciation vs. shame
In so doing, if we are already practicing kindness towards ourselves, we also learn to respect the value of our compulsions and impulses for what they teach us. We make mistakes and learn from them, then make better mistakes the next time.
Regardless of our level of “awareness” or “awake-ness” or whatever, it’s only in the moments we are actually here that we notice if things are going up or downhill.
Without noticing that, how does anyone act wisely?
Yet when we do notice which direction the winds of well-being are blowing, we can see more opportunities for generous action. As embodied kindness becomes more generalized, more of us are invited into this practice of collective well-being.
- - -
Curiosity
To be curious is to be open, the opposite of being closed.
Like cells do, we can grow awareness of our patterns of opening and closing.
When being closed is our habit, then opening must become a conscious intention. It’s much like turning towards the present moment. It just takes things one step further.
Now we are willing to be here.
We open ourselves. We can think of this gesture just like opening our eyes or ears or the pores of our skin. We are willing to be penetrated by this experience.
We allow it to get inside us and change us.
We do not close ourselves to keep the experience out.
That’s impossible anyways. We don’t possess separate disconnected nervous systems. Acknowledging that, we open our mouth to consciously taste what we are being fed anyways, and we are willing to do this for each other, even if it means going first.
I let the words you speak change me. I let the world unfolding before my very eyes change me. And I listen to how I’m being changed in real time.
I notice what resonates.
And what doesn’t.
And I keep listening and being willing to listen. Because I know that every time you do that for me, I feel loved.
And when I feel loved, I find it easier to be loving.
- - -
Play
Play acknowledges the potential value in new experiences. Just getting the chance to “know what that’s like” could be enough of a reason to try something.
Playful people don’t jump off cliffs. But they do risk embarrassment. Hurt feelings. Confusion. Scraping their knee. That kind of thing.
Play is a way of being that says to those around you, I feel comfortable enough to not be so serious and I invite you to do the same.
Many of us have become deadly serious. Not surprisingly, it’s killing us.
Does a school of fish in a poisoned sea really need to practice arithmetic?
Or might we benefit from more recess time? More time to experiment with making games from whatever materials are already adrift in the currents?
In play we deliberately step outside of our habits to invite new possibilities.
(For example, if you slump, it isn’t ‘bad posture’ - it’s a learning opportunity!)
Play respects limits. It seeks to preserve well-being of all in order to keep the game going. Play dials up intensity slowly but surely, yet also responds to spikes of joy.
Flash mobs suggest the transformative potential of play. Imagine a play pandemic.
I’ve been privileged over the last decade to immerse myself in a deep study of embodied, meditative and relational practices. My many dedicated hours of individual and interpersonal exploration and experimentation have benefited me immensely.
I am also well aware that most people don’t have the time to do what I’ve done.
Which is why I am increasingly drawn to look for the practical principles that can be brought to bear anytime and anywhere.
There is no situation where we can’t find opportunities to practice more kindness, connection, curiosity or play. We can practice in - and with - our bodies, minds, emotions and relationships.
Wherever and whenever we practice, benefits ripple outwards.
Opening the mind relaxes the body.
Refining the senses creates new relationships.
Healing relationships calms the mind.
A spacious mind isn’t afraid to feel.
Allowing emotion heals the body.
And so on.
If everyone you know felt better, so would you.
We don’t have to be bodhisattvas to see this.
Bu we do have to unlearn the belief that caring only for ourselves is a good ‘strategy’ to care for ourselves. Even from the most ‘selfish’ point of view, it doesn’t really work.
In fact, caring for collective well-being sometimes includes playing with patterns we tend to avoid for fear of being called ‘selfish’. Because the collective never benefits from supposedly ‘selfless’ behavior that is merely self-destructive.
Self-harm harms the collective.
Yet good posture in a yoga class isn’t as valuable as the capacity to offer relaxed uprightness and friendly eye contact to a stranger.
Perfect pitch at choir practice is impressive, but more beauty is added to the world when we drop the impatience from our voices when we speak to children.
The silence of the void on a meditation cushion can be delicious, but sitting silently with a friend in grief adds more serenity to the world.
Kindness begins by giving ourselves permission to be just as ignorant, incompetent and confused as we are - while still thinking we deserve the opportunity to learn.
Connection begins by noticing the moments when we turn away, being kind to ourselves when we do so, and then generously turning towards the here and now again.
Curiosity begins by realizing that learning is infinite, that learning transforms us, and that learning opportunities are everywhere - and opening ourselves to those gifts.
Play begins by enjoying our bodies, being grateful to be alive, and respecting the well-being of our playmates - and not being so deadly serious that we can’t allow mistakes.
If you want to cultivate more individual and collective well-being in 2025, you are invited to apply for the next cohort of the 16-week Grounded Connection group coaching program.
You will learn how to embody kindness, connection, curiosity and play anytime and anywhere.
It’s time to birth more of your best ideas into the world while naturally providing more reliable ground for the flourishing of well-being amongst all the others whose lives touch yours.
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I love this ♡